Four brilliant, accomplished, gorgeous female actors play four friends who take a bachelorette trip to Italy in this dumb, dull, dud of a waste of their time and ours. I’ll bet the actors had a lot more fun when they were just hanging out between scenes than anyone will in watching the movie. In one brief scene, the characters visit some of Italy’s magnificent ancient Roman statues, and all the script gives them to say are middle school-level dick jokes. What those characters do to those classic works of art is what the script does to the women who play them. Both deserve much, much better. And so do we. 

Like Smurfs, each character gets just one attribute. The male characters all get the same one: unconditional adoration of the fabulous creature to whom they are lucky enough to be able to devote their full time and attention because they have no other interests, wishes, obligations, or, indeed, reasons to exist except to be Perfect Boyfriend (PB). It’s a dumbed-down, glammed-up “Golden Girls.”

Once again, Jane Fonda plays the free-spirited, sex-positive hotel executive. Her PB is Arthur (Don Johnson). Candice Bergen is the now-retired judge. Diane Keaton is the one who loves wide belts, crinolines, and polka dots. Her PB is Mitchell (Andy Garcia).  Mary Steenburgen is Carol. She is happily married to Bruce (Craig T. Nelson), but he is recovering from a heart attack, and she is worried and perhaps over-protective. 

Viv’s PB impulsively proposes to her, and the woman who never wanted to get married suddenly finds herself engaged. The friends decide to celebrate with a trip to Italy before the wedding. If you think this means a shot of them walking toward us in slow-motion like a cutesy version of “The Right Stuff” and the dozens, possibly hundreds, of movies that have imitated that shot ever since, you are right. If you think that’s adorable, you might enjoy this film. Maybe.

In one of the world’s most beautiful countries with some of the world’s most legendary historic art and architecture, the women get up to all kinds of silly hijinks that could just as easily happen at home. A mis-sent photo might be misinterpreted! Oh, no! They get thrown in jail. They get thrown in jail again! Same sheriff (Giancarlo Giannini, slumming)! How funny is that? Not!

Co-written by director Bill Holderman and Erin Simms, the film even fails the Bechdel test. These characters have almost nothing to say to each other except for how much they love (1) each other and (2) men. Plus, a few “jokes” about getting older.